Army Widow?

When I met Mr A, he was going to join the army. Long story short, but he didn't because of me. I can't be with a guy in the army, I need to come home to my darling every night, not worry that I'm, not going to see them for 12 months and have the threat of them being blasted to bits every day. He seemed ok with this, but months later, rather predictably, got itchy feet and wanted to join. This time a compromise was reached and the TA was agreed on. Naively, I thought that it was just one night a week, the odd weekend and that was it. Tonight he is going to the TA centre to see about joining. I am now really really scared. Having looked at the net, I see that more and more TA people are being mobilised. In fact, 1 in 5 people in Afghanistan are TA. That scares me. They get less than a weeks notice that they are going.

This wasn't the life I wanted, and I didn't want much. I just wanted someone loyal, who loved me and who I would come home to at night. I got the love but nothing else it seems. I am really scared, really really scared and that might sound silly to some, but to me it really matters.

My mother said that life is unpredictable and just because someone says that they will not join the army, doesn't mean they won't ten years down the line. And that she has had to move countries with Dad's job before. Which is fair. But I can't go with Geoff, I can't go into war zones, I have to stay at home, waiting, wondering. And this will be my life - forever. No matter how much I fill up my life, I will still just be waiting for him to get home.

That is a life I cannot lead. He said he wouldn't join the TA or Army but now he is. And I said I wouldn't leave him for it, but now I am wondering if I will. Because as my life is wearing on, things are be coming more and less important to me. Love is becoming vital. I genuinely love him with all my heart and I cannot bear to restrict him. I won't. But I guess I cannnot stand by him. Because I will have a truely miserable life. Because I cannot live my life waiting. Waiting for him to go to war, waiting for him to come home, waiting to find out that he's alive or not, waiting to find out if all the little things I will look forward to will no longer happen because the fucking government says so.

I need to make some very tough decisions. But I have to make them alone. And I think if he comes home to tell me he is joining the TA, I will have to tell him I am leaving. Not as a threat to make him stop, because I don't want him to stop, he will just get miserable and resent me, but because that is GAME OVER.

I wish it wasn't. He's my soulmate.